It started with a friend of mine saying he was ‘over gay men’, his search to reclaim an identity over his life had even thrown up the possibility of having sex with a woman as a result. Whatever reason behind this; out of curiosity, partly confusion, a desire for change or to gain control over his life, I felt perhaps my friend had considered his gay life had now become tiresome and perhaps irrelevant to him. It would be a natural assumption to question his sexuality or motives, which I did initially, but I found it stirred more intimate questions about my own life and needs.
I have spent my life trying to a fit into a group of people who never seem to give me what I really want - love and happiness. Gay life is perceived as a very competitive, materialistic and superficial world that is very unforgiving to many and for some like myself, we have come out of it bruised and disillusioned by what it promises to offer. I know I am not alone when I say my sexuality is only relevant to me and to nobody else, therefore the supposed way of life I must commit to is in fact no longer relevant to me. I ask only for a loving committed relationship with a man. No more, no less. I do not ask for conformity, expectations and the rules that come with my sexual preference. I am happy to be me and I ask for nothing more. If finding one person who could love and support me in equal measure, came with the condition I had to retreat from gay culture and all the trappings that came with it, I would happily say goodbye to it all right now. Without doubt or any regret. It’s never been a part of me. On occasion I perhaps fall into particular stereotypical behaviour but this is unintentional and most likely unavoidable. Those characteristics have never defined me. I don’t want to fight against them anymore either just so I can feel validated by either the straight or the gay world. What do those terms even mean? It is one world and we are all so very unique. I have no reason to fight to be accepted by my gay peers anymore, it is thankless task which makes no one, especially me, happy. I become the only one with an internal struggle. They have a life I do not want. I do not want to struggle with demons anymore. I am proud and happy to be who I am. Would my life be easier and happier if I was born straight, who knows? What matters is my identity is my own and I don’t have to justify it to anyone. If others disapprove or disagree, I no longer care what they think. I've done too much worrying about what others think. I love my individuality and it’s time to embrace it properly and claim it as my own.
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